Navigating the Crossroad: When One Partner Wants to Stay and One Wants to Leave a Religion
By: Emma Beale, MA, LAC, Owner of Superbloom Therapy Services
Religion and spirituality (and the choice to disengage from these practices) are deeply personal. For those who hold beliefs in these areas, they may be an integral part of identity, culture and community. For some couples, religion is a foundation for the relationship and a big deciding factor in long term commitment. So what happens when things change for one person and not the other?
In my therapy practice, I help couples wrestle with the values that tie them together and the ones that rattle their connection. Religion is often an important one that comes up. One experience that can be destabilizing within this exploration is when one partner realizes a part of their own identity that no longer aligns with their shared religion and initiates the deconstruction process for themself, while the other does not share the same experience or desire to shift. This can lead to feelings of betrayal, loneliness, uncertainty, and disconnection for both partners. This can be scary at first, but can also lead to new depths of connection if approached with curiosity and love.
What is My Partner Going Through?
For the partner who is initiating some distancing or deconstruction from religion or maybe shifting to a different religion, they are likely exploring a long dormant part of themselves. This can be equally exciting, intimidating, vulnerable, and scary. They may feel at once newly connected to themselves and a new community and also scared of losing some people they love in the process. This is a very personal process for each person, so the best way to really know what your partner is experiencing is by asking open and curious questions to understand them more deeply. This might include things like:
What parts of your new beliefs are you connecting to most and why?
What are you learning about yourself through this process?
How can I support you in going deeper on this new idea/experience that is meaningful to you?
For the partner who is wanting to stay in the previously shared religion, there may be a sense of betrayal, shock, and isolation. For the partner leaving, it’s important to maintain empathy for this experience and equally try to more deeply understand the other person in their new experience. Again, the best way to do this is by asking thoughtful questions from a position of curiosity. This might look like:
How are you feeling with this news?
Is this triggering anything for you from your past?
How can I stay connected to you and support you in continuing with your own beliefs while I explore my own different ones?
How Can We Stay Connected? Should We?
For some folks, leaving a religion can be a complete awakening. It’s possible that this experience may bring things to light in your relationship that feel incompatible or unresolvable. For some folks this is in fact true. For many, this is a feeling that comes up with big changes, but doesn’t have to be the path forward if not desired.
If you want to try to stay connected and deepen your relationship through this transition, getting closer to your partner’s experience while also being vulnerable with your own is a great place to start. Making sure to approach these moments with tenderness, vulnerability and resisting the urge to steer your partner to your perspective are ways to encourage depth and connection.
If you think separation might be part of the deconstruction process for you, working with a couples counselor to aid in the discernment process may be a good starting place to ensure respect and through exploration of each other in making that decision.
Either way, remembering the love you have held for each other as a foundational part of your conversations can facilitate a gentle exploration of what is best for your relationship through this transition.
Final Thoughts
Religion and relationships are two of the most intimate, personal experiences we can have as humans. When they intersect, emotion and potential for deep connection are naturally amplified. When that connection is threatened by change, it can feel catastrophic. It’s important to ask questions from a place of care and curiosity first, sit with the emotions as they come, and take time to reflect on what is right for you and for your partner. If you need help navigating these complex conversations, couples therapy is a great place to get that kind of support!
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out to a licensed professional for specific support or call 911 if you’re having a mental health crisis or are experiencing abuse in your relationship.
