How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without Feeling Like a Jerk)

A Gentle Guide for Women Who’ve Always Put Others First

Let’s be honest. Setting boundaries sounds great in theory. But when it comes time to actually speak up, say no, or disappoint someone? That’s when the panic sets in. You start worrying that you’re selfish. Or mean. Or dramatic. Or too much.

If you’ve spent your life people-pleasing, managing everyone else’s emotions, or trying to be “the easy one,” boundaries can feel foreign, even threatening. Especially if you were raised in a family or faith community that rewarded self-sacrifice and shamed anything that looked like self-protection.

Here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t mean. They’re necessary. And learning to set them is one of the most powerful ways to reclaim your energy, your identity, and your peace.

What Are Boundaries, Really?

Boundaries are limits you set to protect your time, energy, emotions, and physical space. They’re not about controlling others – they’re about caring for yourself.

A boundary can sound like:

• “I’m not available to talk about that right now.”

• “I can’t make it, but thank you for the invitation.”

• “I need a moment to think before answering.”

• “I’m happy to listen, but I can’t be your only support.”

• “I’m not comfortable with that.”

Boundaries are how we teach people what is and isn’t okay with us. And contrary to what you may have been told, having boundaries doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you honest.

Why Boundaries Feel So Hard (Especially for Women)

If setting boundaries makes you feel panicked, guilty, or like you’re a “bad person,” you’re not broken then you’ve been conditioned.

Women are often taught that our value lies in being:

• Helpful

• Accommodating

• Non-confrontational

• Emotionally available at all times

Add in religious teachings about self-denial, submission, or “dying to self,” and it’s no wonder boundaries feel wrong, even when your soul is begging for them.

Signs You Might Need a Boundary (Like...Yesterday)

• You say yes when you mean no

• You feel resentful after helping someone

• You avoid people because you're too drained to engage

• You get anxious about disappointing others

• You feel like you’re constantly being pulled in five directions

• You feel invisible, taken for granted, or emotionally used

These are not personality flaws. These are signs that your boundaries need attention.

How to Start Setting Boundaries (Without the Guilt Spiral)

1. Start Small and Clear

You don’t have to drop a dramatic “I’m done with this!” boundary bomb. Start small. Decline one invite. Ask for a pause before saying yes. Let someone know you can’t take on that extra task this week.

Clarity is kindness. You don’t need to over-explain or justify.

2. Expect Discomfort, Not Disaster

The first few times you set a boundary, you might feel like you're doing something wrong. That’s not a sign you're being rude, it’s a sign you're breaking an old pattern.

Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re unsafe. It just means you’re growing.

3. Don’t Apologize for Taking Up Space

You’re allowed to take up room in your own life. You don’t owe anyone constant access to your time, your energy, or your emotional bandwidth. “No” is a complete sentence, even if it’s awkward at first.

4. Honor Your Feelings After the Fact

Boundary-setting hangovers are real. You might feel guilty, panicked, or sad after setting a new limit. That’s okay. Be gentle with yourself. Journal about it. Talk to a therapist (like me!). You’re not doing something bad, you’re unlearning years of people-pleasing.

5. Remember Why You’re Doing This

You’re not setting boundaries to push people away. You’re setting them to protect your peace, your health, and your relationships. Boundaries preserve love by making it more sustainable. They protect your capacity so you can actually show up as your full self.

You Deserve a Life That Doesn’t Exhaust You

If you’ve spent most of your life being “the responsible one,” “the good girl,” or “the helper,” setting boundaries will feel unnatural at first. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It means you’re reclaiming yourself. And that’s sacred work.

In therapy, we explore how your past shaped your people-pleasing patterns and practice setting boundaries in a way that feels authentic, not performative. You don’t have to figure it out alone.

Want support as you learn to set boundaries that actually stick?
Book a free consult. Let’s talk about how therapy can help you move from self-sacrifice to self-respect.