How to Heal After Leaving a High-Control Religious Community

(Without Losing Your Mind—or Your Soul)

So, you left.

Maybe it was a slow fade. Maybe it was a dramatic break. Maybe you're still physically participating while emotionally and spiritually checked out. However it happened, walking away from a high-control religious community is a big deal. And chances are, it didn’t come without grief, confusion, or fallout.

First of all, let me say this clearly: leaving was an act of strength, not failure. High-control religions (think fundamentalist, authoritarian, purity-culture-obsessed, or cult-adjacent) are built to make leaving feel terrifying. They often weaponize fear, shame, guilt, and isolation to keep you tethered. If you're reading this as someone who's out or thinking about getting out, you're already doing something courageous.

But now what?

1. Give Yourself Permission to Grieve

You probably lost more than just a set of beliefs. Maybe you lost a community, a role you were praised for, or a sense of certainty about the world. You might even feel like you lost yourself. That’s grief. And it’s real.

Grieving a faith system is messy. One minute you’re angry, the next you’re nostalgic, then you feel numb. That’s normal. This isn't just losing a church. It's losing a worldview that once shaped your entire identity. Let yourself feel the loss, even if part of you thinks you "shouldn’t" miss it.

2. Expect a Messy Middle

Healing after religious trauma isn’t linear. There’s no tidy five-step checklist for deconstruction. Some days you’ll feel free and empowered. Other days, you’ll spiral into doubt, guilt, or loneliness.

You may:

• Feel unsure of who you are without that belief system

• Miss the community, even if it was harmful

• Get triggered by things like worship music or scripture

• Worry that you're “doing life wrong” without spiritual rules to follow

This isn’t backsliding. It’s normal. Think of it as a spiritual detox. You are unlearning years – maybe decades – of fear-based conditioning.

3. Reconnect With Your Body and Intuition

High-control religions often teach you to distrust your body. Your feelings were “deceitful.” Your desires were “sinful.” Your intuition? Probably dismissed altogether.

Now’s the time to reclaim those things.

Start small:

• Eat what feels nourishing

• Rest when you’re tired

• Say no without guilt

• Journal what your gut says instead of what you were taught to believe

You don’t have to rebuild a whole belief system overnight. Just start noticing what feels real and true in your body, not what you were told should be.

4. Find Safe People to Process With

Leaving a high-control faith community can feel incredibly isolating. If your family, friends, or partner are still in it, you might feel like the odd one out or like you have to constantly justify your choices.

Look for:

• Exvangelical or deconstruction communities (online or in-person)

• Therapists who understand religious trauma (hi, that’s me)

• Books, podcasts, or memoirs from others who’ve left high-control systems

You deserve support that doesn't shame or silence you. And you definitely deserve support that won’t tell you to “just pray about it.”

5. Redefine Spirituality (or Don’t)

You get to decide what happens next. You might rebuild a new kind of spirituality—one that’s gentler, less dogmatic, more rooted in love and agency. Or you might need to step away from anything spiritual for a long while. Or forever.

There’s no “right” way to do this.

If lighting a candle helps you feel grounded, great. If nature becomes your sacred space, beautiful. If your healing has nothing to do with spirituality anymore, that’s completely valid too.

The point is, you get to choose now.

You’re Allowed to Heal Without Going Back

You’re allowed to question everything and still be a good person. You’re allowed to rebuild your identity in pieces. You’re allowed to walk away without shame.

I work with women and non-binary folks across Washington State who are healing from religious trauma, leaving high-control spiritual systems, and figuring out how the hell to feel like themselves again.

If you want someone to sit with you in the unraveling, the grief, and the rebuilding, I’m here.

Curious if we’re a good fit?
Book a free consult. You don’t have to explain purity culture or spiritual manipulation to me. I already get it.