How Purity Culture Impacts Adult Relationships
…(Even If You Think You’ve Moved On)
You might have left the church years ago. Maybe you tossed out the modesty rules, the “True Love Waits” ring, and the fear-based sermons about your body. Maybe you even consider yourself sexually empowered now. So why do you still feel shame after sex? Why do you freeze when someone wants to get emotionally close? Why is trust so hard, even in relationships that seem safe?
If you grew up in purity culture, you may still be carrying beliefs and behaviors that live under the surface, even if you’ve intellectually rejected them.
This post is for the woman who wonders, Why is intimacy still so complicated for me? You're not alone. And no, you're not broken.
What Is Purity Culture?
Purity culture is a belief system, popular in many evangelical Christian spaces, that teaches people, especially women, that their worth is tied to their sexual purity. It tells you that:
Your body is a potential stumbling block for others
Sexuality is dangerous or sinful until marriage
Men are visual and can’t help themselves, so it’s your job to stay “pure”
Sexual experience makes you less lovable, desirable, or worthy
“True love waits,” and if you do it right, you’ll be blessed with a perfect marriage
These teachings were often wrapped in shame, control, fear, and unrealistic expectations. And while they may have been taught with smiles and metaphors (chewed gum, anyone?), they planted seeds that can deeply affect how you relate to yourself and others in adulthood.
5 Ways Purity Culture Might Still Be Showing Up in Your Relationships
1. Shame After Intimacy
Even if you’re in a consensual, loving, adult relationship, you might feel a wave of shame or anxiety after being physically intimate. That shame might not make logical sense, but your nervous system remembers the years of messaging that told you your body was a problem.
2. Difficulty Trusting Yourself or Your Desires
Purity culture often teaches that desire is dangerous, especially for women. You might question your own instincts, worry that your attraction means you’re “too much,” or feel confused about what you even want in a relationship.
3. Emotional Walls and Fear of Vulnerability
When you're taught to constantly police your behavior, body, and emotions, vulnerability can feel unsafe. You may find yourself keeping partners at arm’s length, struggling to open up, or fearing rejection if someone sees the “real” you.
4. People-Pleasing and Perfectionism
If your value was tied to being the “good girl,” you might bring that into your relationships. You want to be chosen, approved of, or seen as “easy to love.” So you over-function, avoid conflict, or put everyone else’s needs ahead of your own.
5. Confusion Around Boundaries
Purity culture doesn’t teach you how to set boundaries – it teaches you how to obey. As a result, you may struggle to say no, to know what you’re comfortable with, or to distinguish between guilt and intuition.
“But I Thought I Was Over This…”
Healing from purity culture isn’t about waking up one day and realizing you were lied to. That’s usually just the start.
It’s one thing to know the messages were harmful; it’s another to feel safe in your body. To trust your voice. To build a relationship that isn’t based on fear, shame, or control.
If you’ve started dating again, entered a long-term partnership, or even just begun reconnecting with your own desires, you may notice purity culture popping up in new ways. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re ready for a deeper layer of healing.
How Therapy Can Help
Therapy provides a space to unpack the invisible weight you’ve been carrying and learn to relate to yourself and others in a more grounded, self-honoring way.
In therapy, we can:
Identify lingering beliefs from purity culture and how they’re showing up
Practice trusting your intuition and rebuilding body connection
Explore sexuality, consent, and desire on your terms
Work through shame, trauma, and relational fears
Create boundaries that support your safety and your growth
You’re allowed to be curious, messy, unsure, and healing all at once. Therapy isn’t about rushing to a conclusion – it’s about coming home to yourself.
You’re Allowed to Have a Relationship That Feels Free
You don’t have to earn your worth by staying small, silent, or pure. You’re not “damaged” for having a past or for questioning what you were taught. And you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
As a trauma-informed therapist in Washington State, I help women and non-binary folks recover from spiritual abuse, religious trauma, and the long reach of purity culture. Together, we’ll create space for honesty, for wholeness, and for the kind of relationship that doesn’t leave you doubting your worth.
Want support as you untangle purity culture from your adult relationships?
Book a free consult and let’s talk about what healing might look like for you.
