Codependecy: Childhood or Church?
You say yes when you want to say no.
You feel guilty for resting.
You worry you’re “too much” when you speak up, but resentful when you stay quiet.
You’re exhausted from taking care of everyone else, but still feel like you’re not doing enough.
If any of that sounds familiar, you might be dealing with codependency—a pattern that’s often misunderstood, especially by women who were raised to be “selfless,” “helpful,” or “godly.”
Codependency isn’t about being clingy or weak. It’s a coping strategy. And for many women, especially those raised in emotionally unpredictable homes or high-control religious environments, it’s something that was taught early and reinforced often.
What Is Codependency?
Codependency is a pattern of relating where your sense of self becomes overly tied to the needs, emotions, or approval of others. You may feel responsible for how others feel, what they do, or whether they’re okay.
At its core, codependency often means:
You lose connection with your own needs and wants
You prioritize keeping the peace over telling the truth
You feel like your worth is tied to how much you give, fix, or sacrifice
You struggle to feel okay if someone else is upset with you
It can look like chronic people-pleasing, caretaking, perfectionism, or staying in unbalanced relationships far too long. And it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you learned to stay safe by making sure everyone else was okay, even at your own expense.
How Codependency Gets Learned in Childhood
Codependency often begins in homes where emotional attunement was missing or inconsistent. Maybe one or both parents were unpredictable, unavailable, or emotionally immature. Maybe love had strings attached. Maybe you were the “good kid” who learned that your job was to make life easier for the adults around you.
In environments like these, children often adapt by becoming:
Hyper-aware of others’ moods
Overly responsible or mature for their age
Anxious about conflict or disconnection
Afraid to express needs or boundaries
This teaches you that connection comes through self-sacrifice. That love is earned, not freely given. That being “too much” or “needy” risks rejection.
You carry that forward into adulthood, sometimes without even realizing it.
How Codependency Gets Reinforced in Church
Now let’s talk about how religion, especially high-control or purity-based systems, can deepen those same patterns.
If you grew up in a church that emphasized self-denial, obedience, submission, or “dying to yourself,” you may have learned that being a “good Christian” or “good Mormon” meant ignoring your boundaries, silencing your anger, and constantly putting others first.
You may have been taught that:
Your worth comes from serving others
Anger is sinful
Forgiveness means staying in unhealthy relationships
Your emotions are untrustworthy
“Self-care” is selfish
This can sound holy on the outside, but it often reinforces codependent beliefs: that love requires shrinking yourself, suppressing your needs, and carrying the emotional burden for others.
Signs You May Be Struggling with Codependency
Here are some common signs of codependent patterns:
You feel responsible for other people’s emotions
You avoid conflict at all costs
You often feel resentful but say nothing
You overextend yourself and then feel burned out
You struggle to identify or express your own needs
You feel anxious when someone is distant, upset, or disappointed in you
You constantly seek approval or reassurance
You stay in relationships that feel one-sided or emotionally draining
You may also find that, deep down, you’re not sure who you are without someone else to care for or prove yourself to.
How Therapy Can Help
Healing from codependency is not about swinging to the opposite extreme or becoming “selfish.” It’s about learning to include yourself in the equation. It’s about reconnecting with your own inner voice and allowing yourself to have needs, limits, and a sense of self that isn’t dependent on everyone else being happy.
In therapy, we can:
Explore where your codependent patterns started and how they’ve helped you survive
Unlearn beliefs that make you feel guilty for having needs
Practice boundaries that protect your energy, time, and peace
Rebuild your identity outside of people-pleasing or religious expectations
Learn to tolerate discomfort in relationships without abandoning yourself
You Are Not “Too Much.” You’re Just Not Meant to Be Everything for Everyone.
Codependency often forms when we were taught that our value comes from what we do for others. But your worth isn’t earned through sacrifice. You are allowed to be a whole person, not just a support system.
If you’re tired of over-giving, over-apologizing, or over-functioning in your relationships, therapy can help you find your way back to yourself.
Ready to break the pattern and reclaim your voice?
Book a free consult and let’s talk about what you’ve been carrying—and how you can start choosing yourself without guilt.
